Self pleasure still remains to be a quiet and vague topic for many Indian women. For a number of adult women, the concept of orgasms is nothing less than a myth, as female pleasure is rarely discussed in even the most intimate settings and friendly get togethers. A female friend told me once, it’s rare for a woman to open up about her sex life even with her own female friends. 

But what is the result of this shush and stigma behind sex and even self pleasure?

We are made to believe that a female orgasm is mystical, mysterious and unattainable since it requires a lot of effort, and at worst could not be possible at all. So, many women feel a huge amount of pressure about whether or not to tell their partner about their lack of pleasure for the fear of hurting their ego. I showed one of my clients a video of a couple pleasuring each other and she gasped “my man does not have this much patience, no man has this much patience.”

But have we women taken enough time to check-in our own private world, their own self pleasure?

Even when women masturbate, many of them shy away from exploring beyond their clitoris. They take the short route to pursue a climax by only stimulating their most sensitive spots. This is usually done to achieve the orgasms they have been denied or haven’t experienced with a partner. While this usually does get them to climax, it is familiar and often limiting. What’s worse is that these women get stuck in a pattern that feels good and miss out on other experiences that feel much better.

Self pleasure gets better with curiosity and creativity. Women need to give permission to themselves to learn the sensual secrets of their own bodies. There are countless ways to help you on your quest for self-pleasure. Many women try the first tip or technique they see online, only to realise that it doesn’t bring them pleasure or that they didn’t like it, and shelve the idea of womanly self pleasure forever. This makes them feel as if they have failed or leads them to assume that they are simply not capable of feeling pleasure. If you do not like something, move on and try something else. Your body, and more importantly, you as a person, are incredibly unique.

All women need to understand that something that works for somebody else might not work for them. Every woman’s self pleasure journey is different.

I am sharing a technique that is my personal favourite and of many of my female clients who are diving into the world of self pleasure. It is called ‘Staging’. Staging is a well-rounded method to build more intense orgasms by spending more time to build up arousal, bit by bit. 

1. Building Desire: It is a slow, lingering touch. To start off, let your touch wander past the extremely sensitive parts, but don’t give them any attention, as if they don’t exist. The slower the movement, the better it will feel one you move to the next step. 
2. Warmup: Once your desire has been sparked, go for a gradual build. Beginning from the clitoris. When you first touch yourself there, notice how it becomes soft and then becomes harder under your touch as it becomes aroused. Slow, less direct touches feel best at this stage. Try not to make abrupt moves. The longer each stroke takes, the more anticipation builds.
3. Buildup: This is the longest part – it’s when the clitoris is ready to receive attention. The pleasure builds and builds. When it comes to stimulating the clitoris in the buildup stage, there’s a far larger variation (location, pressure, stroke) in what feels best for different women. 
4. Approach: This is when the orgasm first starts building inside. You are reaching a more intense pleasure. However, this is also a stage where things can go wrong because stopping, changing the stroke, or becoming distracted can stop the escalation. This means you would have to start over from the beginning.
5. Orgasm: The holy grail! You can add more pressure overall and directly on the higher part of the clitoris. Stick with whatever motion you’re doing in that moment and make the feeling grow into a full climax. For men, when they are reaching orgasm, they become harder and faster but it is not the same for women. The technique is ‘just go the same’ and you get there.

Most, if not all, women need to learn or re-learn the art of women’s self pleasure. Learning to listen to your body and taking feedback is a skill that takes time to develop, but the rewards are definitely worth it. Self pleasure is so much more than just getting a quick orgasm. Knowing what feels good, what you like, and how you like it makes all the difference in the world.

Our experts work round the clock to provide you with the answers that you are looking for. So if you have any, leave it in the comment section below or send us a DM at @nuawoman. This is a safe space that we have built for you so do not hold back on any doubts you may have about your body and mind.

Read other articles by Pallavi Barnwal on InSync here.